motivation appraoches the limit zero

I get to work and stare at my whiteboard, index cards, and screen. If I turned on cursor blinking in Vim, I’d become hypnotized and sit transfixed until my phone rang. I’m not sure what’s happening. I think that it’s a combination of a lot of things. I feel like the systems I’m working on are destined to be eternally unreleased, remaining forever in the ivory tower, which is exactly what I don’t want. I know that’s not the plan, but it’s how it feels, lately. I’ve been working on the same project for months, and with no real back and forth with the users. They green light just about everything, which isn’t a lot of fun. I want an exchange of ideas, and a challenge.

The recent visit of a co-worker from the UK didn’t fill me with enthusiasm, either. We didn’t get as much done as I’d have liked, and now he’s back to working on things that don’t affect me. I don’t feel like I’m doing any good, really, and I feel like nobody’s too interested in doing good.

Today I was told to reboot two of my machines because their uptime was too high. didn’t meet yesterday. Excluding the one-on-one Phil and I had last month, that’s eight months with no meeting. I’m pretty close to just calling it quits, which I don’t want to do. I’ve asked the local LUG list whether it would be more interesting if we tried to be a more ecumenical “dynamic languages” group. I’m happy to talk about Python and Ruby. I just need people to talk to! I want to draw diagrams and run SubEthaEdit and yell about design and brace placement and tab width, and I want to feel like part of a team that’s working together on something.

I have a vacation in about two weeks. I hope it helps.

Written on November 9, 2004